Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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