I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
