He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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