genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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