ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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