I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Pants are for mortals
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
