I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
