i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
