Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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