if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
