he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
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He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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