So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize