Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
