My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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