she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
