My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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