nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
