Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
