Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
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dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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