life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
