My liver just broke up with me...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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