I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
