Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
