do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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