You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
