I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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