that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
