I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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