all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
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This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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