I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
