Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
