yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
