Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
