Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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