If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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