god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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