I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
