I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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