there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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