Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
