why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
