He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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