Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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