This dress was meant to end up on your floor
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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