i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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