i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
