i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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