My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
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tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
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BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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