last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
