PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
