Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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