WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
