So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
