Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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