: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
