Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
