Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
